alone

I thought it was just me, but I'm getting the impression that we all feel a little alone sometimes. Re-read that. "I thought it was just me..."

In the past few days, I have read a variety of things - blog posts, e-mails, etc. - that tell me, for certain, that none of us who feel that way are actually alone. The writing was coming from three young women who I would have labeled as "have it all" - core group of close friends, high-profile life situations, great personalities, and just... not "alone" type of people. But they, just like you and me, were lonely... for amazing old friends, for exciting past memories, for yesterday. It startled me, honestly, and made me think - if they feel lonely - we must all feel lonely!

I find that I look back and remember and desire idealistic relationships - people to hang out with anytime and anywhere, unconditional love, and of course, cute photos of my wonderful and never-ending social life. I ask myself sometimes if I am willing to joyfully exchange those ideals for the truly beautiful life that is right before my eyes. I also ask myself if life was really as good as I'm remembering it.

The reason I can't hang out with people anytime and anywhere is not because there aren't wonderful people in my life, nor because I live in Mexico. It's because I now have a God-given gift: a family of three of us, with a schedule, instead of that freedom to come and go as I please. Something so small to exchange for something so amazing.

The reason I can't find the unconditional love I want among friends - is because I have a husband who sets the standard so high, I wouldn't recognize it for what it is.

The reason I don't have lots of photos where I look all cute with my friends is because, quite frankly, I probably don't look as cute now. Having a child brings lots of physical changes, so my body isn't the same as it was in high school - but praise God, because neither is my spirit. And, all my cute photos now are of my little girl. :) So things change, life moves on... and it's GOOD. It is. Remind me of that tomorrow, ok?

And so I'm longing for a different life that I think everybody else around me has. I'm looking for something that I think I used to have. But suddenly I'm realizing that maybe they don't have everything I think they have anyway. And I'm forgetting that I'm probably not remembering life as it used to be correctly anyway.  The whole problem is that I'm comparing, which we're advised not to do in the first place.

For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise. (II Corinthians 10:12)

We all feel alone and/or sub-par sometimes, and it is on that very point that we can connect with one another, rather than compare. I'm learning that when I need a friend, I need to be a friend. And even more than that, I'm learning that when I see someone who I think has it all - they probably feel like they don't.

As I was thinking about "alone", the following account of Elijah came up in a Bible study, and it is so applicable. In I Kings 19, we read,

"And, behold, there came a voice unto him, and said, What doest thou here, Elijah? And he said, I have been very jealous for the Lord God of hosts: because the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away. And the Lord said unto him, Go, return on thy way to the wilderness of Damascus: and when thou comest, anoint Hazael to be king over Syria: And Jehu the son of Nimshi shalt thou anoint to be king over Israel: and Elisha the son of Shaphat of Abelmeholah shalt thou anoint to be prophet in thy room. And it shall come to pass, that him that escapeth the sword of Hazael shall Jehu slay: and him that escapeth from the sword of Jehu shall Elisha slay. Yet I have left me seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Baal, and every mouth which hath not kissed him."

Sometimes I, even I only, am left. And then God reminds me that he has left me many of you.