like a grain of mustard seed

"And he said, So is the kingdom of God, as if a man should cast seed into the ground; And should sleep, and rise night and day, and the seed should spring and grow up, he knoweth not how. For the earth bringeth forth fruit of herself; first the blade, then the ear, after that the full corn in the ear. But when the fruit is brought forth, immediately he putteth in the sickle, because the harvest is come. And he said, Whereunto shall we liken the kingdom of God? or with what comparison shall we compare it? It is like a grain of mustard seed, which, when it is sown in the earth, is less than all the seeds that be in the earth: But when it is sown, it groweth up, and becometh greater than all herbs, and shooteth out great branches; so that the fowls of the air may lodge under the shadow of it. And with many such parables spake he the word unto them, as they were able to hear it. But without a parable spake he not unto them: and when they were alone, he expounded all things to his disciples. And the same day, when the even was come, he saith unto them, Let us pass over unto the other side. And when they had sent away the multitude, they took him even as he was in the ship. And there were also with him other little ships. And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full. And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish? And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith? And they feared exceedingly, and said one to another, What manner of man is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?" (Mark 4:26 - end)

This afternoon in church, Bro. Matt spoke on Mark 4. He focused more on the second part that I bolded than on the first part, but because of Matthew 17:20, which says "And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you" it kind of came full circle for me, with faith being the thread binding it all together.

We learned a lot about what faith is, but even more what stood out to me is what faith is not. I sometimes mistake fear for faith and vice versa. Matt commented that "Faith does not say - nothing's going to happen to me. That is deceiving ourselves. Faith sees danger with open eyes and says, This danger is real and I am scared. Faith does not deny reality. It recognizes that there is danger." But at the same time, "Faith recognizes that God is truly with me, and believes that His power is over all." That changes everything! Faith is not blindly believing, but rather trusting. We know that, and yet sometimes I do not live like that. 

Just after we got married, during my junior year of college, God taught me a powerful lesson about praying believing that He could and would respond. I passed a proficiency exam that I in no way should have passed based on my true ability to speak Spanish. However, the morning that I went in to see about my results, God was working on my heart and tugging on it so strongly that I could feel it. I was begging Him to just help me to get a score a little bit higher than the first time I had taken the exam. Begging Him. And all of a sudden, I felt Him saying, "Hannah, if I can do that, why can't I just pass you? Why can't I just help you get this over with once and for all and get on with your classes?" (not passing this exam would have resulted in me needing to change my major). And I felt myself trusting Him. And when I walked into the Foreign Language office that morning, I fully and completely believed that a miracle was in the process of happening, and that the secretary was going to tell me I had passed, and I knew that it was absolutely nothing that I had done of myself. 

That was a powerful lesson for me. But since then sometimes I've deceived myself into thinking that if I believe hard enough, I can somehow control the outcome of a situation. I think it happened a little bit when we had the miscarriage. Did I somehow not pray/believe/trust hard enough? Of course, Satan was trying to convince me of that. But the reality is that I can never trust hard enough. It's just not in my power. That's not faith. Faith is not ignoring reality and convincing myself that somehow all danger will just pass. It's not that at all. It is, however, facing danger, or struggles, or whatever the case may be, with the knowledge that God is with me. It's about trusting in His ability to provide, and trusting in His omnipotence, not trying to guess whether or not He will provide in the way I think He will. 

My faith like a grain of mustard seed needs the Lord, because it is so small. So thankful that He is willing to help me grow!