grace

Our first seven months on the mission field have been one big lesson in grace. I cannot describe how we have felt the hand of the Lord as we have learned to live far away from family, adjusted to a new culture, acquired language, and made friends. This does not mean, however, that at the end of every day I feel incredibly accomplished and like everything is going exactly as it should be. On the contrary, I often kneel down at night wondering why in the world God is willing to use someone like me to fulfill His plans. I am learning, though, that anything I do find myself able to do is by God's grace, and that makes all of the growth - the successes and the failures - seem more... rational. More a part of a greater plan. More worthwhile. And consequently, I am learning that when I give God the glory - the glory that only He merits, the glory that was never mine to begin with, the glory that His Word forbids me to claim - He continues to give me the grace to live as He is calling me. It is such an intimate relationship.

Of all the time we have been here, though, I think I felt God's grace more tangibly yesterday than at any other time. I could see the way He was sustaining me, encouraging me, providing me with opportunities to talk to others, and giving me the courage to step out of my comfort zone and get invested in life here. Seven is God's perfect number, and so I don't think that it was any coincidence that I noticed this on the anniversary of our seventh month here.

Yesterday morning, I woke up on my own at 7:30 a.m. To say that I am not a morning person is a gross understatement, and so that alone was a miracle in and of itself. But I woke up, felt awake and energized, and opened my Bible. This is really out of context, but my eyes fell upon the very end of Romans 2 - "But he is a Jew, which is one inwardly; and circumcision is that of the heart, in the spirit, and not in the letter; whose praise is not of men, but of God" (v. 29). I mulled that last phrase over in my mind - "whose praise is not of men, but of God". Is my praise of God? Do I give all the glory to Him, withholding nothing? After all, this is His work anyway.

God instilled in me that morning that this is not about me. This is not about comparing myself to others, focusing on my own talents, or being in control. This is about Him. Ironically, that God-given perspective allowed me to go through my day confidently. Not a self-assured confidence, knowing and believing and acting upon the idea that I, by myself, was fully capable of performing the tasks laid before me. But a confidence that comes only when I put my trust in the Lord. It allowed me to respond to difficult or unexpected situations joyfully and gracefully. It gave me the language I needed to actually fellowship with other believers in Spanish. It gave me the energy to offer a last-minute invite for lunch. It gave me the courage to have a heart-to-heart conversation in Spanish with someone I've been unable to connect with up until this point. It gave me laughter and peace and joy and genuine love for those around me. And I never wore out. On  my own strength, I would have been done at noon. But God can sustain and deliver and lead in unbelievable ways. Ways that had, until yesterday morning, been unexplored by me.

Last evening, Grant told me - "Hannah, it was all over your face today that you felt good. Like the burdens and adjustments and changes of the last few months were lifted. I was reminded of who you used to be before pregnancy made you tired and before life weighed us down". Tears come to my eyes just thinking of God's provision yesterday, His infinite grace, and His love. His love - so unconditional, so desiring-the-best for His children, so perfect - so unlike my own.

This morning, I woke up late. I felt draggy and overwhelmed. I lacked energy and would have much preferred to stay in bed than start the day. So that's how I know that yesterday was a result of grace. Today was a more routine day - laundry, cleaning, cooking, no classes due to a national holiday - and God knew I didn't need all that grace for today. But He surely gave me a double portion yesterday - so much more than I deserved but the very amount I needed - and for that I am so grateful. I will look back on February 3 as an ebenezer - a reminder, on those days when I think I can't go on, that I can do this, by His grace.