"i've been praying for you"

This past Sunday was Palm Sunday and also our first day in church since we found out we lost our baby. It was a blessing to be in church - we felt very encouraged by our brothers and sisters in Christ and also found that God had many spiritual blessings in store for us.

That morning I had taken a walk down our road to go to God with everything I was holding inside. I've found it really difficult to release everything that I'm struggling with. Although I didn't feel immediate peace, he spoke to us throughout the day with Job 23, Hebrews 5, Luke 22, Isaiah 8, and II Corinthians 12.

Job 23 describes our search for God's will in everything we've been going through. Verses 3 - 5 say, "Oh that I knew where I might find him! that I might come even to his seat! I would order my cause before him, and fill my mouth with arguments. I would know the words which he would answer me, and understand what he would say unto me." We want to understand so badly! And maybe someday we will... maybe. But maybe not until heaven. And that is ok. Grant often reminds me that everything hard here... is treasure in heaven.

Hebrews 5, verse 8 reminded us that Jesus has been through everything we are going through. It reads, "Though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered." Even Jesus was made perfect through suffering. Grant was commenting after Good Friday services that Jesus went through hell on the cross - darkness, absence of God, physical pain. Through suffering, Jesus learned obedience. Through suffering we, too, are to learn obedience. Therefore, as II Corinthians 12:9-10 says, we should rejoice in that suffering! "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."

In Luke 22, verses 45 and 46 came across to me in a new way like never before - "And when he rose up from prayer, and was come to his disciples, he found them sleeping for sorrow, And said unto them, Why sleep ye? rise and pray, lest ye enter into temptation.". Sleeping for sorrow - I know exactly how they feel. I think in the past I've read this passage and thought, "That was so terrible of the disciples! Couldn't they stay awake for just a little while? How could they betray Jesus like that?" I'm so critical of them. And yet the words "sleeping for sorrow" have taken on a new meaning to me. Life has been so overwhelming the past few weeks that sometimes, its either sleep or cry. Sadness wears us out! So the fact that the disciples fell asleep was such a human thing to do. And yet Jesus told them to "rise and pray, lest ye enter into temptation". So many times when we've been so overwhelmed, it's easy for me to give up and just say, "ok, God, You understand... I'm just not strong enough to even come before you with my problems right now... that's just too exhausting... so just... take care of everything". I don't take the time or try to muster up the energy to come before God with my troubles. And yet I think this verse warns us/me against that tendency. Certainly, there will be times when we truly cannot figure out what to pray, and I know God "hears" and understands our needs. But often I know that it is a lack of trust, not a lack of energy that is causing me to give up on my prayers. I can keep myself from temptations to not trust if I come before God with my needs.

One last thing.
During morning church I sat with Julie and Emily and at one point Emily had to use the restroom. I told Julie I'd take her, so out we went. After she was finished, I was helping her with her panties and skirt and such... and she chose that moment to look at me and say, "I've been praying for you!". Just like that. Almost like we were the same age and she understood everything I was going through... almost as if she were bearing my burdens for me... burdens that no three-year-old could possibly understand. But I felt like Emily did! I felt like she knew I was struggling... and knew that God was hearing her prayers and that she could help by praying. "Thank you for praying for me", I said. "Is it because my baby went to be with Jesus? Is that why? Did your mom tell you about that?". She nodded, and we walked out of the bathroom and back into church.

I've been tempted many times this week to doubt God. I have doubted God. I've wondered if He's still listening. I wonder if it's safe to trust Him. I wonder if He cares about my feelings and hurts. I wonder if my prayers mean anything. And then sometimes I think of Emily's complete trust in God. She was praying, and she knew God could hear her. There was nothing tangible for her to go back to... she just knew. Do I know?

2. 1. O Love that wilt not let me go,
      I rest my weary soul in thee;
      I give thee back the life I owe,
      That in thine ocean depths its flow
      May richer, fuller be.
   2. O light that foll’west all my way,
      I yield my flick’ring torch to thee;
      My heart restores its borrowed ray,
      That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
      May brighter, fairer be.
   3. O Joy that seekest me through pain,
      I cannot close my heart to thee;
      I trace the rainbow through the rain,
      And feel the promise is not vain,
      That morn shall tearless be.
   4. O Cross that liftest up my head,
      I dare not ask to fly from thee;
      I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
      And from the ground there blossoms red
      Life that shall endless be.

O Love That Wilt Not Let Me Go (George Mattheson)