time

I've come to the conclusion that no one ever feels like they have enough time. In no stage of life do we feel that we could do all we need to do in the hour, day, or week we're given. I mistakenly kept thinking that life would slow down once Ivory was born. This is not the case. As we would say in Spanish, "al contrario". Instead of having more time, I am learning how to manage my time. I am learning the necessity of sticking to a schedule, something that has always been very intimidating and limiting to me. In college, I was energized by the random, chaotic, and hodgepodge events of my academic, social, and family life (not necessarily in that order). And even once we got married it was like that, because in the year before we moved to Mexico, we did everything. We knew our time to freely come and go was quickly drawing to a close, and we had the time and energy (well, not necessarily the time... or the energy... but anyway) to do it all. So we did.

No longer. My little girl thrives on consistency, predictability, and security. And the interesting thing...? I'm finding that maybe I do too. I thought that it was freedom to add and delete and change things on the calendar and to-do list for the day. But I don't think it is.

After Ivory got out of the hospital, she was eating every three hours, morning, afternoon, and night. After a while, we started flexing that a little, so my goal was every 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 hours, and I'd let her sleep for as long as she would at night. This was good, and its fine to flex, but then her eating schedule during the day was totally dependent on when she'd wake up at night. If she woke up at 8 a.m., I'd count three hours from that; same if she woke up at 6 a.m. or 9 a.m. But that was wearing on me a lot more than I realized. Days were so unpredictable; I had no idea when her fussy times would be, when she'd take a nap, when I could plan on getting something done. Then Janelle and I were talking, and I mentally walked through my day and realized that there was only one eating schedule that would make life manageable for all of us. It was a punctual, every-three-hour eating schedule at certain times that would allow Grant and I to eat lunch together, to attend the evening events around here together, and to at least try to get enough sleep.

Ivory is a flexible little girl, so getting her on the schedule was not hard, and now that she's on it, she's like a clock. It's unbelievable how she can be sleeping so hard, and then I'll hear her little cry over the monitor and realize that its been exactly three hours since she ate last. This schedule has been really good for her health, I feel like - she's been eating better, and, still aided by laxative, she's getting things through her better as well. Knowing when she will be hungry has transformed my day.

The other key component to re-gaining control over my life has been a reconsideration of how I make my to-do list. There were times, before, when I would sit down to make a to-do list (just for one day) on a post-it note and before I knew it it was three post-it notes long and counting. I began to realize that if I had a to-do list that long, it was completely unreasonable to think I'd get it done in a day, because when I had those kind of goals and didn't get it all done, then I felt like a failure. And I would ask myself... why the only things I managed to get done today... are the things that I am going to have to do all over again tomorrow? So this might sound a little extreme, but I started writing down in a notebook my to-do list based on Ivory's eating schedule. I'd write her feeding times, and then underneath each one, I'd write one or two things that I wanted to accomplish after that feeding and before the next one. Because really? One or two things between a feeding is a pretty optimistic goal anyway. Sometimes, we end up spending nearly that whole time in the rocking chair.

And so I'm starting to realize what I can reasonably get done in the amount of time I'm given. And you know what? I can get done what I need to get done. The problem lies in understanding the difference between what I need to get done and what I want to get done. When I put on my to-do list things that I have to do no matter what (feed Ivory, my quiet time, take Roberto his lunch, do his homework with him, make lunch for us), I have the ability to check those things off and realize that I actually am doing something with my time. It's not just evaporating. And somehow I do end up with a few extra minutes in there to throw in a load of laundry, catch up on e-mails, etc. When I write out my entire list for the day, I realize where my gaps of time are, and where they aren't, which is equally important. That way I can avoid trying to do something in a window of time that it simply doesn't fit into.

All of that said, I've still had many frustrating moments. Sometimes I feel like around here I have to do everything about six times. For example, right now we're working on getting Ivory registered as a Mexican citizen, which will, in turn, enable us to get a passport for her so we can go home this summer. It's a big deal! We aren't leaving here without her, and we'd like to see everyone in August. But I've now been to the Registro Civil twice and we still haven't had everything we needed to move forward. From this experience, we've learned that Grant is much more cut out for doing things like this. I still have a hard time reconciling things when I pour a lot of energy into attacking my list, only to make it longer. Its really frustrating to me and I don't deal with it well. A similar situation is going on with Ivory's two month shots (and a shot she was supposed to have had at birth). I've tried to go get them at least four times now, and they keep sending me somewhere else, telling me to wait a couple weeks...

I've concluded that overall the Mexicans are much more patient than I am, and that there's a lot that I can learn from them. I walked into the Seguro this morning (government health clinic type thing) and at 8:30 a.m. the room was full of people, many of whom, I'm sure, had already been waiting for several hours. They were willing to get up early, and come, and wait, so that they could take their turn and get their needs taken care of. I don't deserve instant responses to all my problems, flawless information, or people who work around my schedule and my desires... even though I tend to think that way sometimes. I put myself up on a pedestal, expect people to do as I need within my time frame, and then realize that really? I'm not more important than they are. I'm not a better person. I'm not anything but someone who needs to get their own life in order so that other people don't have to work around me and cater to me; so that I can be flexible and fit into their needs. Often, I sadly think myself above other people - I count my time and needs as more critical than theirs, and I expect to be served. I have it so backwards.

I know its rather late in life for me to be learning this, probably, but I'm learning that there is no freedom in the hectic and busy. Rather, the freedom is found in order - and God created us to be that way. He Himself is order. The thought came to me that when God created the Earth, He could have done everything all in one day. But He didn't. He chose to spread it out, to accomplish His perfect plan over six days. And, He rested. A good lesson for this new mommy to learn.